'may fail' - mid-exam truths

I’ll be straight up, I’ve had a pretty rubbish day. Last week I had my first two finals exams on Thursday and Friday, and on the Friday I went straight from the exam to a poetry competition in London and it was all very intense and exciting, and I got late with Rachael and then she stayed for the weekend and we rested together on Sunday and that was nice, but then I still have two more exams – one on Friday, one a week tomorrow. And my body and my brain are just not having it – they know what shape a story is supposed to be, they know that they were building to a climax and the climax was Friday, and then the weekend was that nice kind of epilogue bit you get where they’ve gone back to the Shire and it’s all good again, and the story is over now. So when I tell myself to go and start revising a whole different set of texts and ideas everything in me just does not fancy it.

Now this is of course not an exceptional situation, I’ve actually got a pretty tame schedule compared to a lot of people, and one friend from church is currently doing her exams while popping in and out of A&E so I’m thoroughly aware that I have no right to complain! So this is not me complaining, it’s just me being honest about how today has been.

And it’s also me writing so that I can publically remind myself of a glorious bit of truth that I was holding onto last week as it was getting intense, and which I need to grab hold of again right now.

In one of the Psalms, the writer is singing to God about how he had started to feel like life was unfair, and how he was tempted just to give up on trying to follow God because it didn’t seem to be getting him anything. But then in the last few stanzas he turns it around:

Yet I am always with you;

    you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

    and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart

    and my portion forever.

This guy just says to God, as if to remind himself that it’s true – ‘You are with me, You actually love me, You are looking after me and You have promised me incredible things, there is no God up there other than you and if there were a billion gods not one of them could ever be close to your goodness; You are better and more beautiful and more trustworthy than anything on this earth, it’s not even worth comparing any of the things that life outside you has to offer me with your love.’ And then here’s the bit that I really need to get hold of right now: “My heart and my flesh may fail”. The Psalm is wonderfully realistic. ‘Look God, I know that I’m weak. I know that I’m not as strong as I like to think I am, I know that there is a genuine possibility that I am just going to be a bit rubbish, or that I’m going to crack at some point and I won’t be able to do what I need to do.’ He says, ‘I don’t know if I’m enough for this.’

And I need to be realistic. I need to take a second to stop, and close my eyes and look at God, and say, ‘I might mess this up. I am not superman and I’m really tired.’

And then say, “but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever.” I love the word portion because only the Bible really uses it for things other than chips. But the idea is the same – it’s what you’re given, it’s what you need, it’s the amount that is allotted to you and necessary for you. And God just says, ‘How about I give you myself? That should be enough.’ How about God – the Creator, the Sustainer, the Unimaginably Perfect, the Only One – pours himself out in love, even in death, and says ‘I will fill you if you want.’ I will love you if you’ll let me. And my love is better than life itself. I’m enough. I’m sufficient. I’m richer and deeper than anything I’ve ever made and that is everything else there is. And I’ll be your strength if you want. I’ll be there, beside you, supporting you. I’ll be your ‘help’, as demeaning and ridiculous as that sounds I want to do it for you. I’m the strength of your heart and your portion for ever if you’ll have me.

That’s the truth. And it helps to write it down. Because it’s true, and it will still be true on Friday morning at 9am, and it will still be true on Wednesday at noon when these exams are done. My heart and my flesh might have failed in various ways by then, but this will not have changed. Thank you.