Some Un-sage Marriage Advice: Dance or Die

Is it better to be static or be moving?

Is it better to be stood still or be going somewhere?

My best mate is getting married in a few weeks’ time, which makes me feel like I ought to be dispensing sage advice. Unfortunately however, having been married less than two years and usually having the emotional intelligence of a cuddly dalek, I don’t have much sage-ness to pass on. All I could think of, was to compare it to the camp for disadvantaged young people that the two of us have been volunteering on for the last few years! (No offence meant to Rachael, genuinely, as you’ll see!)

Thing is we’ve always said about Falcon (that’s the camp) that it’s the hardest and the best week of the year. Now have you ever noticed that that’s a surprisingly common combination? That what’s hard is often also deeply joyful? That being easy and comfortable, and feeling fully alive don’t actually come together very often? And the reason is, at least on Falcon, that pretty much all day every day, you’re not asking yourself, ‘What do I feel like doing?’, you’re asking yourself, ‘How can I make that kid happier? How can I show them love? How can I help them have a good holiday?’ And then you go do it. And the weird thing is, that’s hard work, and it usually involves doing something you don’t feel like doing, but at the end of the day you feel both exhausted and alive.

Why is that?

I read something brilliant the other day that compared life to a dance. Or actually to planets and gravity – it was kind of a mixture of the two. And it pointed out that usually, what we want is for other people to orbit around us. We want to be the centre, not necessarily of attention, but in the sense of everything revolving around our feelings and our desires. But this book asked a brilliant question: if we all demand that everyone else revolve around us, what happens? Everyone just stands still. Imagine a dance where everyone is waiting for everyone else to dance around them. It’s the most boring dance ever. It doesn’t even count. They’re all just standing there, murmuring and twitching their heads at each other getting increasingly frustrated that the others won’t do what they want! The whirling, spinning, leaping delight of the dance never happens.

But imagine instead, a dance where everyone is trying to revolve around everyone else. Everyone wants to orbit around the others, and make them the centre. You see now I’m imagining something much more exciting – much more beautiful. What comes into my head is one of those spirograph drawings we used to do when we were kids – what you’d get would be complicated and intricate and fast! Weaving and whirling in and out and around, always moving, always interacting. It’s what the very best bits of a barn dance or a ceilidh feel like, or actually the most beautiful and satisfying moves in a game like football, or some of the most breath-taking moments on Planet Earth or whatever with vast shoals of fish or murmurations of starlings. Whatever you’re imagining, this feels very much alive. Whereas everyone standing there, waiting for the others to revolve around them, actually isn’t all that different to being dead.

And that’s why Falcon makes you feel alive. Because you spend all day revolving around other people – and that’s the dance we were made for. And I was trying to tell my best mate that that’s what marriage is aiming for – that’s what it’s meant to be – is two people revolving around each other, 24-7, wanting to put the other person at the centre, and in the process creating a dance that is beautiful and tender and alive. But that’s hard work. It doesn’t come naturally. What comes naturally is a grumpy grinding to a halt as you demand that the other person orbits around you.

And the thing is if you’re with me up to this point this should be raising a pretty big question. How come what comes naturally and what makes us feel alive are not the same thing? I mean that’s so obviously the case that we come to take it for granted and we happily write and read a thousand life-coaching books on exercise or mindfulness or destressing or relationships without ever asking ourselves, why on earth isn’t it natural for us to do what makes us feel alive? Why isn’t it automatic?

And there’s a lot that we could talk about there, because there’s plenty of intermediate reasons and issues and all of that, but I want to suggest a reason basic enough, fundamental enough, for a problem that’s so fundamental to our lives.

We were made for the dance, but we’ve got used to being out of it. The thing is, when Jesus turned up he gave us a glimpse of God. He turned up revolving around others, pulling them in to revolve around him and bringing them to life in the process (sometimes literally!) but at the same time telling us that he’d been doing this forever. That he had always existed and that he and his Father and their Spirit had been loving each other, giving each other glory, revolving around each other and putting each other in the centre since before the world was made. And we would have all called him a lunatic if he hadn’t been so, beautifully sane! If his madness hadn’t been unravelling the twisted knots of people’s lives and hearts and showing them how to be properly human again! And the closer you look, the closer the listen, the more it becomes inescapably, wonderfully obvious that this dance of love that Jesus is living, and talking about, and drawing people into – it’s what it means to be alive. It’s what we are made for. Because it is quite literally what we were made for!

But there’s something very deeply stupid about us that makes us want to be at the centre, makes us want to stand still and have the world and other people revolve around us, makes us want to not bother with the hard work of revolving around God and other people. Something very deeply stupid that prefers grinding to a self-centred gridlock than whirling and diving in other-centred movement. Something that, if given the choice, would actually rather stand on the spot and shrivel up than move and dance and grow.

And if you don’t believe me, try being married. Try living with someone else and trying to love them all the time. Any impression you may have of yourself that you are naturally selfless will fade very swiftly indeed! We are not naturally other-centred, we don’t naturally jump into the dance. But that’s not cos it’s unnatural or unhealthy – it’s because there is something unnatural and unhealthy about us! The dance is our truer nature; the dance is our real life.

So there you go mate. Amateur sage-ness dispensed. Happy wedding!

“Hit Disney songs whose messages outshone and subsequently undermined the messages of the films they’re in” – a playlist about freedom

Last week I wrote a blog about dancing and freedom, and this week I couldn’t resist a few thoughts on the catchiest, most-popularest song about freedom I’ve ever heard.

‘Let it Go’ has now got 1.7 billion views on YouTube. People like what it has to say about freedom it seems. 

Here’s a few of the key lines on the subject:

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation,

And it looks like I'm the queen.

… It's time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me: I'm free!

It’s actually a brilliantly captured snapshot of how our culture thinks about freedom! Let’s see what I can do – no right no wrong no rules – nothing to hold me back or tell me what to do, I’m just going to be myself – let it go! And there is something really beautiful about that: no constraints, no restrictions, just pure freedom to express ourselves and fulfil our potential.

But then, you actually watch the film…

And if you have seen the film you’ll have noticed the problem with this song. Because when Elsa sings this, what’s actually happening? She’s running away from home, from her kingdom, and from her sister Anna to live in an ice palace all by herself. So, is she free? Is she free because there’s now no one to get in her way or stop her doing what she wants?

Well here’s a question, imagine that was the end of the film: “Let it go! The cold never bothered me anyway” - she flicks her hair and walks into her ice palace and the credits roll. 

How would we feel? Would that be an uplifting story about liberation? Or actually would it be a depressing story about isolation?

A mate of mine tweeted ages ago with this playlist that he’d made:

And as you can see, this song was top of his list.

Do you see his point? It’s the hit single because we love that message, but the actual story of the film says something completely different – what makes us happy at the end, what feels meaningful and beautiful to us as a story, is the two sisters being reconciled and coming back together! It’s Elsa saving her people and becoming their queen rather than living for herself and by herself. And ultimately the powerful ending – ***SPOILER ALERT*** - is about Anna sacrificing herself to save her sister, not about Elsa sacrificing her relationship with her sister to save herself.

And I think it’s really important to notice that! The message about freedom and individuality that we hear a lot in our culture and we love in theory – when it comes to real life or even just a full length film, deep down we know it doesn’t work! If all freedom means is me being at the centre, and no one getting in my way, then it’s not necessarily what we actually want or need.  

And this isn’t just something we sense in storylines, it’s something actual psychologists have studied – there’s a psychologist called Jean Twenge who expresses this so perfectly just in the title of her book that you don’t even need to read it:

“Generation Me: Why Today’s Young American’s Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled – and More Miserable Than Ever Before”

And that’s surely just as true in the UK as in America – self-confidence and assertiveness is drilled into us at school and in films and songs from the minute we’re born, and yet with all our confidence that “this is me”, with all our belief in ourselves, Generation Me is not enjoying life very much.

Why? There’s a New York Times columnist called David Brooks who wrote an article recently which argued that if we believe what most inspirational speakers say about being “true to yourself” we end up with 

“a vision of life that begins with self and ends with self”

and that leads us gradually to 

“an unconscious boredom, separated from the deepest meaning of life and the highest moral joys.”

Or we get the same thing in a bit more depth in a mind-blowing speech written by the late David Foster Wallace, a fascinating author and thinker. He says that

“[The] world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self.”

So however anxious or frustrated it makes us the marketing executives are very keen to sell us a particular kind of freedom, the ‘Let it Go’ kind of freedom:

“The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the centre of all creation.”

But he says there are different kinds of freedom that are actually more important, and

“The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.”

Interesting idea, isn’t it? And in many ways, although none of those three writers are Christians, they’re drawing on the insight of one of the strangest teachings of Jesus:

“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.” (Mark 8:35)

I think there’s a deep paradox here. It’s there in Frozen, in all these writers and then it’s there put vividly by Jesus himself: if we try to live for ourselves, to “save our lives”, grasp hold of them, we end up losing our lives, wasting our lives, miserable and stressed and bored. But if we give our lives away – if we live for someone else, if we truly care about someone more than ourselves and we’re willing to sacrifice things for them – that’s when we come properly alive! That sets us truly free. We have to choose: either we lose control of our life by giving it away, or we just lose it altogether. We can give our life away and find that we get it back transformed, or we can try to cling on to it and watch it slip through our fingers like sand. 

And Jesus is saying that’s true on a deeper level than Foster Wallace or Brooks or Disney even realise – that it’s true not just in our relationships with each other but, underneath that, it’s true in our relationship with him. Real freedom isn’t just no one getting in our way, it’s not just God not getting in our way. And It’s not letting go of everyone else like Elsa does – real freedom comes when we’re able to let go of ourselves.

Dancing Lessons for Life: musings on freedom

Is there a word that, whenever you hear it, strikes fear into your heart? A word that pierces you like an icy knife of dread? There is for me. Perhaps you feel the same. It’s the word, “Freestyle!”

OK, I’m exaggerating, but let’s be honest, how do you feel about the command to ‘freestyle’ in a public dancing context? I’m sure there are many people out there and even some reading this blog who enjoy a casual boogie with friends considerably more than me, and have a great deal more competence in that area – but I’m also pretty sure a lot of people will understand what I mean about the fear of publicly facing the demand to improvise. Soren Kierkegaard famously said that “anxiety is the dizziness of freedom”, and when I imagine being shoved into the centre of a dance circle and being told to do whatever I want, I know exactly what he means.

On the other hand, last summer I was helping run a student camp in Eastern Europe, and the UK team were asked to perform some of our ‘cultural dances’ for an international evening of entertainment. This led to a bit of cultural soul-searching, and eventually the conclusion that we should do an easy-to-copy dance routine to ‘Reach For the Stars’! We did a bit of practice, decided what we were doing, and then in front of 50 or so students, we went for it!

 

Now that experience felt weirdly like freedom. I was doing exactly what I had been told to do by the more competent and enthusiastic members of the group – and I was doing exactly what everyone else was doing – but, contrary to what some of the most fundamental principles of postmodern Western consumerism would tell you, that actually set me free! Free to go for it, hurling my limbs into various moves, circling round with everyone else, singing my heart out whenever I had a clue what the words were! All the people watching and joining in filled my body and brain with adrenaline, but not with anxiety. Why? Because freedom is not actually being allowed to do whatever I feel like. Freedom does not equal unrestricted choice. That is a woefully inadequate idea of freedom, because it’s based on a cruelly oversimplified idea of how humans work.

I wish I’d grown up where my mate Innes did in Scotland where they understand this and so they learnt the moves to ceilidh dances in school until they didn’t need anyone to tell them what to do they could just announce the dance and everyone stepped and jumped and whirled each other round in unison, to the rhythm of the music. That’s what dancing is meant to be like. And it’s a lot closer to what being human is meant to be like than taking turns to be shoved into the middle of the circle and trying to be funny or do the worm. (Don’t hear me wrong – there’s a lot that’s great fun about non-organised dancing, we did a lot of it at our wedding and it was EPIC. But aren’t the best moments the ones where you’re dancing with other people and you realise you kind of know what you’re all doing together? Or a song comes on that you know and you can all sing along to every word?)

So dancing lesson for life number one is this: is it possible that freedom is more than ‘freestyling’? Is it even possible that the deepest kind of freedom comes from knowing the moves?

But what got me onto this idea in the first place was actually something a bit deeper than that, which I’ve massively learnt by experience in the last couple of years – so I’ll write about that soon as well.

Chew your food: why I’m taking up blogging for Lent

Have you ever wondered why giving stuff up for Lent is still a thing? In our largely non-religious culture when faced with the choice of going big or going home on parts of the ecclesiastical calendar we have, on the whole, gone home. In our deeply consumerist culture we would usually say that to be asked to give something up is to be deprived of some vague sort of human right. But we still quite fancy giving something up for 40 days before Easter. Odd, isn’t it? Surely, if we’d be happier and healthier without something during Lent, we’d be happier and healthier without it all year – so why do we not just give it up full stop? And if giving it up doesn’t make us happier or healthier, why are we doing it?

But then I guess we all know that in real life things are messier than that. There’s all kinds of stuff we know we’d be better off without, but we keep wanting it anyway, and we keep giving in. And there’s all kinds of stuff we know we’d be much better off doing which we just never quite find the energy to get up and do. When you think about it, it’s almost like whatever is actually in control of what we do does not entirely have our best interests at heart! Which is quite a troubling thought…

And this is why Lent is useful for us, basically as a cunning way for the bit of ourselves that does want the best for us to negotiate with the less benevolent bit that seems to actually be calling the shots, and say, ‘Well come on I’m not asking for forever, how about just 40 days?’ And we do indeed get temporary permission. But even that permission turns out to be an ingenious counter strategy! You can have 27 days but then on day 28 you’ll cave and you will know for certain who’s in charge around here. Or perhaps even more devious, Go on – take the full 40. Enjoy yourself. And when you’re done you’ll feel so proud of your self-control that you’ll run back into my arms all flushed and pleased with yourself, and you’ll joyfully give me back control and let me ruin your life for the rest of the year!

I realise it all sounds a bit over the top there, but if you think about it, unless there’s some kind of conflict inside us doing something for Lent makes no sense at all – and it clearly does make quite a lot of sense because so many people still do it.

Including me.

And what I’m going to do for Lent this year is take blogging back up. Because I actually love writing, but the less-than-benevolent bit of me that doesn’t have my best interests at heart but tries to run my life anyway (I call it ‘Sin’), has this infuriating tendency to always offer me something a bit easier to do, a bit lazier, and a lot less satisfying.

And the more I think about it, the more it seems a very appropriate thing to do for Lent. Because traditionally, the whole point of giving things up for Lent was this: use a focused period of time to exercise the power Jesus has given you to overcome that inward drag towards stuff that’s a bit easier and a lot less satisfying, and in doing so make more space in your life to enjoy Him – which is a bit less easy but a lot more satisfying. And actually I have always found that writing about Jesus is one of the best ways I know of making more space in my life for me to enjoy him! To mix my metaphors horribly, it’s like the act of trying to share with other people how delicious he is motivates me to chew on it properly, and not just gulp it down like a microwave dinner in front of the TV hardly even noticing the taste.

And I was reminded of that the other day by a brilliant talk I heard about why God wants us to praise him. It’s not that he’s got a fragile ego and he needs us to give him some self-esteem. It’s not that he’s a narcissistic despot who demands that his subjects cringe and fawn before him. It’s that we humans love to praise what we enjoy – when we come across The Good Place on Netflix, or the Lake District, or a peanut butter and honey and banana sandwich, we want to tell people about them! We want to communicate and express their astonishing brilliance! (I’m serious about the sandwich, try it.) As CS Lewis once put it,

“I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation.” 

Praise is the consummation of delight. And Jesus it utterly and ultimately delightful. So I’m looking forward to the next 40 days.

Almost the Best Day Ever - a massively overdue blog about our wedding!!!

The other day we got through the video that Rachael’s mate Dave had made of our wedding – and we absolutely loved it! I suppose that wasn’t particularly surprising, because it was a video of our wedding, and we absolutely loved our wedding. And it reminded me that I have been intending ever since the wedding to write a blog about why we loved it so much. Now I realise this has the potential to sound a bit ‘Ooo look at how great my wedding was, aren’t I great?’ but my thinking is that since a) everything that was good about it genuinely is thanks to God rather than thanks to us and b) all the best ideas were Rachael’s and it’s OK to boast about how great I think she is, and c) everyone thinks that their wedding day is the best day ever, this is a situation in which it’s actually right to celebrate the things that made us love the day so much!

And like I say, the really important things that made the day what it was were all thanks to God rather than us, because we were borrowing them from a much much bigger wedding. So I’ll just splurge a few thoughts about the three biggest things we borrowed!

Thing One: Joy

When we sat down a year ago to start planning our wedding, and we talked about what was important to us, basically the first thing we said was that we wanted it to be fun! We wanted the primary experience of being a guest at the wedding not to be feeling impressed, but to be feeling joyful. So we ended up with loads of outdoor games, bubble swords, mates performing acoustic music, a tea and toast station, and an ice cream van! We also asked my friends Dom and Hannah – who are two of the most gifted people we know in the art of celebration – to bring their band and play for everyone to dance. And it was class. Dom had even accepted my challenge to do a cover of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air rap!  

But there was a moment earlier on in the night when Dom came up to me and said thank you for inviting them, and then, “you guys really know how to celebrate”, and my heart properly sang. Because to us that is profound praise. CS Lewis once wrote: “Joy is the serious business of heaven”. I think that is beautifully true! I believe in God who revealed himself in Jesus, a man whose first display of miraculous power was to fuel the exuberant joy of a wedding celebration with gallons more high quality wine when the supplies had run out! I believe in God who invented music – created the way your mind and body responds to a good beat or a beautiful tune; God who when he was crafting humanity in his own image, as a reflection of what he is like, gave them the bizarre gift of laughter! What is it for? Why are we creatures that laugh? This strange capacity for the utterly pointless, utterly glorious sharing of joy. I believe in a God who invented bodies and hugs and the smell of good food and sunshine and who did all of these things saying to himself, “This is very good.” And I believe in a God who describes the fulfilment of his whole creation – the ultimate future to which his whole intention for the world is headed, the new everlasting chapter to the story he’s inviting all of us into – as a wedding feast. As a massive, massive party. So this was the first thing we hoped and prayed and tried to borrow from that much bigger wedding – the sheer joy of it. And one of my favourite things was the way that the wedding service in the church, was every bit as joyful as the party afterwards – because focussing on this God didn’t sap the fun in the slightest: it just made the fun deeper and richer and full of glory. I’m actually beaming again even as I think about it now.

Right, moving on…

Thing Two: Care

Thing two is actually one of the biggest things I love and admire about Rachael, and one of the things I’m most excited about learning from her now that she’s my wife  – she cares about people, like really, really cares. And a huge part of what she wanted for the wedding – and obviously once she’d suggested it I agreed! – was that people should be able to feel that we cared about them and valued them. Mostly this manifested itself in Rachael spending hours and hours hand calligraphy-ing people’s names onto their place names, and then between us writing little messages to everyone that they would get when they sat down at their place.

Now here’s something really cool – we could actually feel the difference in how people interacted with us after dinner, when they’d read their messages. There was something new – a new warmth or depth or something – because people knew that we actually cared about them. And this is what I love about Rachael (amongst many other things!), is that when I think about it, this is the effect that Rach has on people all the time! She cares about people, and that is tangible, and when you know that someone cares about you it actually liberates you to be honest with them, to be joyful with them or be sad with them, and to care about them too.

And once again, it’s a gift – I was going to say borrowing but I’m pretty sure Rachael can keep it – that she’s got from Jesus. Because if  you look at any of the stories of his life – of God walking around in flesh and skin and interacting with messed up people – you see exactly that quality. There’s a bit where he’s literally on his way to save a little girl who is dying, and an old woman who’s had menstrual bleeding for 18 years reaches out in the crowd and touches his cloak, and gets healed! And Jesus stops, and asks who it was – he holds up the mission to save this girl’s life because he wants this woman to know that he actually cares about her. And when she comes forward, trembling, ashamed, and explains her story and what has happened, he calls her “Daughter.” And when their conversation is finished, he goes and raises the little girl from the dead. And I just love imagining the impact that would have had on that woman, it’s like the thing with the little place name messages but super-charged: this man who can heal even dead people, this Giver of Life, this man of literally world-changing significance, he stopped because he cared about me, wanted to know me. And he called me, “Daughter.” It must have liberated her just like it liberates me: knowing that God actually cares about me, genuinely wants to know me, is what liberates me from ‘religion’ where I’m desperately trying to look respectable to the Deity, into genuinely having an honest relationship with God – where I can be joyful with him or angry with him, where I don’t even try to hide the selfishness and the mess that runs right through me, but instead just lay out my broken pieces in front of him and ask him to put me back together.

Now actually being married is teaching me so much more about all of this but this blog is about the wedding itself, so on we go…

Thing Three: Love

This is a fairly obvious component in a wedding, isn’t it? But it’s also the root that the other two things grow from. And it’s the maybe the root that goes deepest back into the bigger wedding. Actually there was a bit from one of the Bible readings we had, which me and my brother were praying about on the morning and meant so much to me:

“As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.”

Those are just incredible words – and whether or not right now you trust that the Bible is telling us the truth, I hope you’ll agree that if that was true, that would be amazing news! Because that says that the insane level of delight that I felt in Rachael, the unstoppable joy in her, in who she was, in loving her, in giving myself to her forever, that made that day the best day of my life – is a taste of how God feels about me. How God feels about any one of us who agrees to be his bride!  

It’s a quirk of my personality that I love the feeling of realising you are inside a really good metaphor – but this has got to be the best of all. Jesus is always using this metaphor of him as the Groom and his people as the Bride. And this is why my favourite moment in the whole thing was a bit that me and Rachael said to each other in the ceremony. There’s a place where you each say to the other:

“All that I am I give to you, all that I have I share with you.”

Of course that is a very beautiful thing in and of itself: you are giving yourself freely as a gift to the other person, all that you are and everything you have. And the thing that makes that so poignant is that yes, it is the beautiful bits of yourself that you’re giving, but it’s not just those bits. I’ve given Rachael my tongue-numbling-ly limited range of cooking abilities. And I’ve given her all of my arrogance, and all of my careless self-centredness. I’ve given her all of the parts of me that I hardly let myself see let alone anyone else.

And yet, incredibly, she has received all that. She has knowingly, willingly, received all the lights and the shadows in me and said, essentially, “I take you – all of you, right down to the bitter depths – to be my husband, and I will always love you, whatever it takes, and I will never leave you.” And there’s no point even trying to write a sentence about how glorious that is.

But here’s the thing, like everything else that was great about that day, it was a picture of what He’s like. Except he’s even better. Because of course when Rachael did that to me, I was doing the same thing with her, and we both know that the other one won’t always keep those promises perfectly because the shadows inside us screw things like that up. But when Jesus says to us, “All that I am I give to you, all that I have I share with you,” he’s offering something entirely beautiful. He’s offering everything that he has – overflowing, everlasting life, unstoppably deep peace, joy, patience, and most of all his place in the family of God: as a beloved child. And he’s offering everything that he is: the ultimate Lover, the true King, the ever-faithful Friend. And that’s not even the most glorious bit – the glorious bit is what his love for us is willing to take.

Because Jesus stands, with his arms wide, wide open, offering to receive us. All of us. All the parts of us that we hardly let ourselves see let alone anyone else. He offers to take into himself the taste of our bitterness, the wounds of our carelessness, the lash of our anger, the agony of our loneliness and even the loneliness of our death. He looks at us and says, “I take you – all of you, right down to the bitter depths – and I will always love you, whatever it takes, and I will never leave you.”

It’s that love, that ultimate expression of love, that will fill the ultimate, everlasting wedding celebration between Jesus and us with all of its exuberant, unstoppable joy. Because that kind of love sets you utterly free to celebrate! And that was what me and Rachael were so deeply hoping everyone would get a taster of at our wedding:

“As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.”

Trump & Truth: do we want facts back now?

A year or so ago I shared an article on Facebook about a man who had been travelling the world for years and years, increasingly miserable, but insistent that he couldn’t get a job because he still hadn’t ‘found himself’ – I captioned it as being a sad reflection of the huge sense of meaninglessness in today’s culture. Later that day my brother messaged me, gently pointing out that the article was from the Onion, a satirical magazine which writes spoof news stories. I felt very silly indeed.

But just now, I read an interview with a guy who makes his living writing fake news articles and posting them on the internet. He intends it as satire but during the US election stuff he’d written to mock Trump supporters – what he thought were ridiculous conspiracy-theory stories or outrageous caricatures – ended up getting shared crazily widely, sometimes even retweeted by Trump’s own account, with the vast majority of people never reaching the desired point of “Oh, this isn’t actually true, he’s taking the mick.” He remarks in the interview that he’s concerned that he accidentally helped the campaign by providing a stream of propaganda which was lapped up by supporters.

This is just one aspect of a frightening shift in how the world works which has led to the Oxford Dictionaries of both the US and the UK declaring this year’s ‘word of the year’ to be “post-truth”: which is an adjective that means ‘relating to or denoting circumstances in which objective facts are less influential in shaping public opinion than appeals to emotion and personal belief’. (The Guardian)

Now for someone who just graduated from doing English Literature at university, this rings some very loud bells. [My apologies if you have also done a fair bit of study in the humanities and you are super-familiar with the next couple of paragraphs, humour me!] For about thirty years now the dominant philosophy in the universities of the Western world has been ‘post-modernism’, which is a pretty slippery term, but could be described as the idea that objective Truth does not and should not exist, rather each person has their own perspective on reality which is ‘true for them’, and we ought to respect all such perspectives as equally valid.

I’ve got a lot of time for post-modernism (especially having read James K A Smith’s brilliant book which essentially argues that the humility it insists on – admitting that as humans we don’t just have perfect access to reality through our reason – is actually a humility that Christianity has been calling for for 2000 years). But especially I want to say that the political motivations behind the rise of post-modern thought were really brilliant: the desire to value and protect the voices of those who had been belittled, ignored or oppressed by mainstream societal opinion – especially women, and ethnic and sexual minorities. To simplify horrendously, the idea was that Truth with a capital ‘T’ was oppressive – it was the way the big rich white men trampled on everyone else and told them that that was just the way things were, it was the Truth, whether they liked it or not. So in order to find liberation, to protect the weak and the easily silenced, various thinkers started to reject the idea of Truth altogether, saying in very complicated theoretical terms, “why should we listen to you and your oppressive rational Truth claims?”, and declared boldly instead, “Everyone’s perspective is equally valid!” So ta-da! Post-modernism is born.

But here’s the thing: I think right now we’re watching post-modernism eat itself alive. The ideas of post-modernism have gone out into the world and while in some limited ways they have done what they were sent to do, we are now seeing them leading to exactly the opposite of what they were intended for. Because I don’t think ‘post-truth’ is an unrelated cultural phenomenon: it is what has happened once the big post-modern idea got into the cultural air and got breathed in by all kinds of people – not just the intellectual elite in the universities. Let’s think about it: if ‘post-truth’ is about a situation ‘in which objective facts are less influential in shaping public opinion than appeals to emotion and personal belief’, then it is just post-modernism being lived out in political debate: Donald Trump knows full well that he doesn’t need to tell the truth. He doesn’t need facts. Nobody cares about them anymore, or at least not enough people for it to bother his campaign. He just needs to say things that resonate with people’s own perspectives. This is a politician who has essentially said (whether he knows the theory behind it or not),

“Ah, OK, so you’ve been telling everyone for three decades that objective Truth isn’t real or important, that whatever they believe is true for them. Great. I reckon there are a lot of people who believe things that you would find intellectually ridiculous and morally disgusting, but if I tell them that I agree – that it really is ‘true for them’ – then there’s no way anyone is going to be able to convince them otherwise.”

And in a world where our source of news and opinion is increasingly fragmented into articles, blogs, papers and TV channels with their own strongly held perspectives – a real life reflection of the multiple small ‘t’ truths of post-modernism – this approach to politics works terrifyingly well. At least one layer of the shock that hit many of us last Wednesday morning was the realisation that you no longer need to have any regard for what is true or factual at all to be the President of the United States.

And I don’t need to explain the ways in which the non-truth that Trump has thrived on is the exact opposite of the liberating intent of post-modern thinking: he is very clearly bad news for the easily silenced, the weak, the unusual, the oppressed. So is Marine le Pen, so are UKIP.

It turns out that abandoning Truth with a capital ‘T’ is not ultimately liberating, because by declaring all truth claims to be nothing more than power-plays it leaves us in a situation where the only thing left is power, and inevitably it is the interests of the powerful that end up getting served, while the weak bear the brunt. Again. I just found some random person on the internet putting it very powerfully:


"To abandon facts is to abandon freedom. If nothing is true, then no one can criticize power, because there is no basis upon which to do so. If nothing is true, then all is spectacle. The biggest wallet pays for the most blinding lights."

Post-Trumpism

So may I suggest the outline of the new approach I think we might need – trying to keep the best of post-modernism while learning from Trump and avoiding post-truthism. We could even call it “post-Trumpism”… maybe.

• Be suspicious of truth claims coming from the big, powerful and self-interested.
• Really listen to the Other – try to understand the perspective of those who think very differently from you.
• Look for objective realities that provide a solid basis for liberating the oppressed and discriminated against – and if you find them, put them into practice and tell people about them! Not in a blurred outburst of personal anger or manipulative rhetoric, but with passion and conviction, focussed on the fact that these things are actually true – and would still be true if no one in the world believed them.

These thoughts have been gradually formulating in my mind, and when I was chatting with a couple of my best friends who are really serious about liberation politics and especially feminism, I found myself putting the last point like this: there’s a big difference between seeing something wrong and oppressive and saying, “It shouldn’t be like that – it’s just obvious, isn’t it?”, and saying, “It shouldn’t be like that because the reality is this.”

As a kind of analogy, and also another area in which this applies, I have a good friend who is a Christian, and did CBT a while ago.* You have this table where you write down the negative thoughts you have, and then you try to correct them, and in the other column you write your replacement thought. It was a bit weird for her to write these things and hand them in, because when she had a negative thought like, “I’m rubbish because I’ve achieved nothing today”, she felt like she was expected to just replace it with a kind of rival idea plucked out of the air like, “I’m actually great and I have achieved some things”. But what if actually it’s been a really rough day? What if she hasn’t managed to do anything that she is honestly proud of? Should she just lie to herself to try to make herself feel better? Well no – what she wanted to write instead was, “I am valuable and precious because God loves me deeply, and that does not change in the slightest when I have achieved literally nothing today.” I’ve actually got a tear in my eye as I write this because I just think it’s so, so beautiful that that is the truth. It is the reality. It can be relied upon however we feel and whatever is happening and so it can truly, really, set us free.

“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

And this is the same for structural oppression: why should women be treated with respect and dignity equal to that we give men? Why should they earn the same for the work they do? Why should they be protected from exploitation, commodification and relentless sexualisation in the workplace and the media? Not just because I feel like they should. Obviously I do, but if there are people in the world who don’t feel the same – and there most certainly are – then I need a reality to appeal to, I need a way to try to persuade them that their current perspective isn’t grasping reality as it actually is! But the good thing is I think there is such a reality. I think we should do all of these things because

“God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.”

There is an inherent dignity and value in every woman that is equal to the inherent dignity and value in every man because they are each created with the immense dignity of being in the image of God. The imago Dei. A privilege and a calling far too deep for me to capture here, or even fully understand, but easily, easily enough to provide an unchanging basis for equality.**

So let me end by posing a couple of questions which I would genuinely implore you to think about for yourself.

•  We’re right to be suspicious of Truth claims when they come from the powerful and are in the interests of the powerful. But that quote about the truth setting us free is from Jesus – he said he was the Truth, himself. As we wind up to Christmas, and little, slightly twee stables and cribs start popping up everywhere, ask yourself – did Jesus’s claims about truth come from a position of power, or of vulnerability? And did they serve his own interests, or the interests of others? Of course, his claims have been co-opted and used by powerful and self-interested people through the centuries, but what about the man himself?
• We’re right to insist on listening to the voice of the Other – especially minorities and the easily silenced. But why? If the secularists are right and there’s nothing at the heart of reality other than “blind, pitiless indifference”, if the underlying principle of all life is simply that the strongest survive, why is it actually wrong for the strong to exploit the weak? Isn’t that just the way things are?
• Do you think it’s possible that there is an objective reality that gives us a basis for liberating the oppressed? How could you look for it?

That’s it for now, I would love to hear some real life answers to these questions at some point.

Peace and hope,

Mike

*It’s worth saying, in the context of an article about post-truth and so on, that my recollections of my friend’s experience are not precise or word for word, but I think I’m faithfully reflecting the gist of the situation.

** I am painfully aware that some transgender people might be very uncomfortable with this idea, and I think this is another instance of the recurring complexities and difficulties in the relationship between feminism and support for transgender people. But while I’m not wise enough to get into that here, what is without doubt is that the Bible’s insistence on the value of every single person as created by God and loved by God, and its insistence that no one has a right to sit in judgement on anyone else because everyone is broken, should give us a profound basis for compassion, respect and sacrificial love towards everyone, including all minorities ethnic and sexual. 

An Italian, an Ecuadorian, a Malaysian and a Brit walk into a pub… (or What-ya-gonna-do-with-all-these-worldviews?)

I’ve had an epic week so far. I’m doing a year volunteering at Warwick Uni helping the Christian Union there to give students a chance to think through the big questions of life and meaning and God – and this week the international students have arrived. I have met so many fascinating and friendly people from literally all over the world – France, Italy, Spain, Russia, South Korea, Malaysia, Tanzania, Ecuador – and because my answer to “So what are you studying then?” is such a weird one, I’ve had some fascinating conversations about their personal takes on the meaning of life, the universe and everything!

One thing that’s particularly interesting about the encounters I’ve had this week, is how drastically different people’s responses to the idea of Jesus and Christianity are – and the way that relates to their cultural background.

I met a guy from India today who explained to me that he wasn’t a Christian himself but he had always been fascinated by the stories of Jesus – he had had a Christian teacher at school who had told the class these stories – and when I offered him a copy of John’s biography of Jesus he said he had already picked one up and put it in his bag! For him, as far as I could pick up from our little conversation, religious identity was something that was set – inherited from one’s parents and community – but the stories of Jesus himself were a source of genuine interest; surprising, even captivating.

At the same table I met another postgrad, this guy from mainland China. He said he had never known anything about Christianity before – although once we started talking the very barest of bones started coming back to him – and he was very keen to discover what it was all about! He wanted to learn everything about British culture, and that included religion. It was hard to tell if his interest was purely anthropological or whether there was a deeper curiosity involved.

Moments before I met two guys from Malaysia. One of them said his Dad had been a Buddhist, but started following Jesus two years ago. This guy himself was still a Taoist – or at least I think that’s what he said to his friend as he gestured to a bracelet he was wearing – but he went to church with his Dad when he was with him, and was going to find the Christian society at university because his Dad had asked him to!

Just before that I met two Japanese guys. When I asked if most people in Japan were atheist, they said that most people in Japan are not religious at all. The difference seemed very significant to me. In our conversation it seemed that personal engagement with any kind of religion wasn’t really a live option for them – it was something that friends might do, but however much it seemed to have made an impact on one particular friend, the thought that it might be for them as well had never crossed their mind. Or at least that’s how it seemed to me – the powerful assumption was that religion was a very much optional and rather eccentric extra.

Two nights earlier I had been round for enchiladas and drinks with some European postgrads – which was great fun and very interesting. Emerging from largely post-Catholic or semi-Catholic cultures, these guys had more ideas about Jesus – both helpful and misleading! For some, discussion about Jesus would always be intermingled with discussion about politics – because the politics of religion was so prominent in the recent history of their country. For others, the question of God was obviously not appealing as a topic of conversation – a polite nod and face that clearly communicated that religion was a private thing in their opinion.

One guy though, an Italian, starting asking some really interesting questions. “Why do you have a desire to convince other people to share your faith?” was enough to get a properly deep interaction started! “Why can’t people just be unselfish and have solidarity without Jesus?” “What is this ‘evidence’ you’re talking about that Jesus came back from the dead?” “How do you think about other religions?” “What’s it like to be a Christian in the 21^st Century, because it’s in decline isn’t it?” “What do you do when – like Job – you’re trying to do what God wants and then s*@t happens?!” Genuine questions – each profound enough to elicit much more than a blog of their own!

Just now I was reading a book which mentioned the Christian belief – my Christian conviction – that just like Jesus was resurrected, those who are united to him by trust will be resurrected too, when God renews the whole of creation (often slightly simplistically referred to as ‘heaven’). As I read it, my brain thought,

‘Do you really believe this? Can you actually conceive that this is what will happen either when you die or when Jesus comes back? Or do you just agree intellectually but deep down reckon we’ll all just die and rot?’

And I realised that it’s very hard for my actual imagination, the shape of my brain at a deeper level than it’s fully stated beliefs and ideas, to genuinely acknowledge that there is a reality beyond the merely visible, measurable stuff of matter, and that God really will bring about a life later on which is far more real than my current experience. I think it’s a difficulty pretty common to all white Western 21^st Century Generation Xers. (Or are we Y now?) But my conversations with all these brilliant people from different contexts reminded me of something important: just because a certain way of seeing the world is automatic for white Western members of Generation X, doesn’t mean it’s the way reality actually is.

400 years ago in this country, it must have taken serious mental audacity and tenacity to push against the grain of the ‘social imaginary’ (Charles Taylor, A Secular Age) and conceive of a world utterly devoid of anything beyond the measurable. An atheist in that context must have found themselves asking, ‘Do I really believe that reality could at root be without any mystery, purely matter plus time plus chance? Do I really believe that life originated of its own accord, and that when we die we simply cease? Is it even possible for my consciousness to be aware of itself while believing itself to be nothing beyond the natural?’ No doubt I phrase these doubts and difficulties in a horribly anachronistic way, but something like that must have been there – nagging away, making it hard to unbelieve. It will be the same today in large parts of South America, of Africa, certain areas of Asia. But I don’t think the difficulty of being an atheist in Britain 400 years ago is a good reason to believe in God – it was an awful reason. And in the same way the ‘normalness’ of a secular, materialist way of seeing reality is not a good reason to disregard the idea of God, or the evidence for Jesus. It’s an awful reason. At best, it’s a form of intellectual laziness; at worst it’s an ugly cultural arrogance, the usually only half-formed sense that we white Westerners are ‘more advanced’ than other societies, we have made ourselves richer and built more spectacular machines and so we must have a better grasp on the nature of reality.

Instead, I think the only humble, reasonable response to a world and a world history full of so many different assumptions, convictions, conceptions of reality, is the approach of my Italian friend: to ask good questions. It’s to refuse intellectual laziness and make the effort to really think, really discuss, really investigate arguments and evidence. All people are equal and of equal worth. All arguments and ideas are not. (If you’re not sure you agree, think about for a few minutes, with concrete examples, the claim that all ideas and arguments are equally valid. If you’re still not sure try eugenics.) So we have to actually evaluate different beliefs about reality, and different reasons for beliefs about reality. We have to listen, and ask, and listen, and talk, and think, and repeat. And in time, we will reach a working hypothesis. And on the way, we will have begun to acquire true understanding, true respect, and maybe even true wisdom.

REASON - a new poem & my mate emma* and refugees in Lebanon

Last Easter time, my mate Emily filmed me doing this poem – it’s a story, not my own, probably a fictional story rather than a real life one, but the poem is my own retelling of it. And it’s called ‘Reason’ because I think it is a good reason. Have a watch…

I’ve been thinking for a while about what I should write about, to go with this video, and then today it was completely obvious.

The thing is, the beauty of that story is the idea of this man, this soldier, who despite all his strength and power, realized that what the hostage needed – the only way he could really be rescued – was for someone to join him in his weakness, his vulnerability, his pain. Only then could there be trust; only then could there be the rescue; only then could he set the captive free.

There are a thousand ideas, ideologies, ‘gods’ and gurus around that will stand there shouting at us. It might be legalistic ‘Christians’ shouting that we need to smarten up our moral and religious act – stop smoking, stop drinking, go to church – so that God will accept us. Or ‘self-help’ books shouting that we just need to believe in ourselves, that we need to stand in front of the mirror and tell ourselves that we are successful until we force it to be true. Or maybe just a dizzying array of bloggers and journalists insisting that we simultaneously refuse to force our opinions on others and stand up against injustice; pointing out to us a thousand good reasons to feel guilty before breakfast and offering us zero help to put things right. And I don’t know about you, but even if sometimes I really make an effort to obey whatever or whoever is shouting at me, in the end I revert to giving up and trying to screen it out. Whether you give me three simple steps or a hundred, I can’t find the energy, the passion, even the compassion to rescue myself for very long. I read a blog explaining very convincingly that I should be checking the ethical status of any shop I buy clothes in, or getting everything from charity shops, and I completely agree at the time but something in me knows that by myself, there’s no way this is going to stick. Because it’s hard. And tomorrow there will be another hard thing that I know I should do. And I might make some progress, I might make some changes, but I’m never going to be able to carry the full weight of everything I know I should be, everything I know I should do.

And this is just one of a thousand reasons that I am deeply glad that I’ve come across Jesus – or more accurately, I suppose, that Jesus has come across to me. God has every right to shout at me – to shout at all of us and tell us to get up and sort our lives out. We more than owe it to him. But he doesn’t just want to assert his rights, he wants us to be restored, transformed, put back together in the full beauty we were created for in the first place. And so instead of shouting down at us, he came in Jesus. He took off his helmet and laid down his gun, he laid bare his chest and lay down with us in the darkness. He lived as a human – with flesh and blood and skin just as thin as mine, just as easily broken, just as easily scarred. He got hungry and thirsty and so tired he could sleep in a fishing boat right through a storm. He felt anger. He felt fear. You know when you feel so frustrated you actually find yourself crying? He had that. He felt the uncontrollable pangs of grief that come from the loss of a close friend. He went through the bitterness of betrayal, and got horribly humiliated. He has lived everything that it is to be a human being – even the one part that all of us reading (or writing) this blog are ignorant of: death itself. God knows what it feels like to die. He knows more about the pain of being human than I do. He has come and laid down next to us in the dirt and dried blood of our broken world and broken lives, and he has curled himself around us. Because he cares about us, and he came to rescue us.

But it’s easy for that to sound like a lovely theory, that’s all very far away because it happened 2000 years ago. It’s easy for our modern chronological snobbery and our postmodern disregard for history to make it all feel somehow primitive and irrecoverably distant. I think both those feelings are culturally determined silliness, but we feel them powerfully nonetheless! So what occurred to me today as the obvious thing I should write about in this blog is my mate Emma.* [*That’s not her real name, I figure it’s best for me to write this somewhat anonymously]

My mate Emma is actually Rachael’s mate Emma, but she’s very friendly and she does spoken word so I feel involved too! She acted in the same theatre company as Rachael – she’s a beaming, passionate, naturally quite anxious woman from Essex, I think she’s in her late 20s, with brown hair and eyes. Just to give you some kind of mental picture. She’s super lovely. And she really loves Jesus. She used to be really paralyzed by anxiety and guilt, to the point that in her first year with the theatre company she had to stop performing she was so scared – but she says that gradually God has set her free from that anxiety and shown her more and more of his grace, his kindness and forgiveness which means she doesn’t need to be full of guilt!

And now, after a very long journey of praying and discovering and changing and scariness, she is going to move to Lebanon, to live and work there with a Christian theatre company, reaching out to the thousands upon thousands of Syrian refugees in the country. The plan is to move to an apartment in Beirut, and for the first year to spend 3 days a week learning Arabic, and hopefully also learning to drive in the crazy dangerous way required to get around on the streets of Beirut. Then she’s going to see where she can serve and what she can do – but her deep, deep passions are for a few simple but huge things. She wants to help bring people together across the huge divisions in Lebanese society – to help Sunni and Shia and Christian to meet each other, and learn to love each other and understand each other. She wants to do anything she can to care for the refugees, especially the children. The young children whose parents couldn’t afford the paperwork for visas and things are being born stateless, with no country they can officially call home or return to easily, living in makeshift camps with barely anything we would call ‘facilities’ and nowhere near enough schools. When she went to visit for 2 months, she went with the theatre company as they performed a hygiene play, after which World Vision gave out soap and flannels – trying to encourage the children to wash, even when it’s snowy in the Baka Valley and they don’t have hot water or proper houses to keep out the cold. And she wants to love and care for and pray with the refugees whose homes and lives have been and are being destroyed by ISIS. And in and through all of this, she hopes to see these Muslim refugees that she loves coming to know Jesus, and find freedom and hope in him.

Years ago, she prayed that God would really break her heart for the refugees like his heart is broken for them – and he has answered that prayer. Answered it so emphatically that she is actually willing to leave her family and her friends and her home (the organization she’s going with suggest you don’t come back to visit at all in the first two years), and to pour herself out, risking her actual life, to show them some of his love. The other night, as Emma shared her hopes and passions and dreams, and the story of how God had brought her to this point, both me and Rachael found ourselves with tears in our eyes. And in the car as we drove home we kept trying to express to each other how exciting and beautiful it was to hear what Emma was doing.

Because it is just so completely like Jesus!

This is what Jesus said he would do for the people who trusted and followed him – he said that he would live in us by his Spirit, and that he would transform us so that we would grow to actually be like him. To love like he loves, to live like he lives, to suffer like he suffered, maybe even to die like he died, and then to genuinely, literally, rise to new life like he rose to new life. And right now you don’t have to look very hard at Emma to see that he’s really doing that. She’s not just throwing money at the problem – neither did Jesus. She’s coming alongside real people in their pain and brokenness and joining in with their vulnerability, so that she can love them and help them – so does Jesus.

That’s all I have to say really! (But if you just from this short thing are feeling anywhere near as stirred up by it as me and Rachael are, and you think you’d like to support Emma by praying for her or in some other way, do drop me a message and I can put you in touch.) So yeah, I hope that helps put some flesh on the bones of that poem – do please feel free to share it and this with anyone and everyone who you think might appreciate it!

A Poem Full of Instructions to My Big Bro and His New Wife

A couple of months ago, my brother got married to Rose, and it was a really joyful, beautiful, God-filled day! They very kindly invited me to write a poem for them and trusted me to read it at the reception... 'twas a bold move. But here's what I wrote.

Grace – On the occasion of the marriage of Andrew Colin and Rose Elizabeth

Love her, brother, like you are loved.
Love her gritty
Love her glorious
Love her patiently
Love her way too deep for wrinkled years and furrowed brows ever to reach
Love her lavishly
Love her like you'd walk five thousand miles
love her like, if the situation called for it,
you would amputate a limb
just to make her smile
and be glad to do it.
Love her joyfully,
Love her when the only way to say it is a cup of tea,
Love her when there’s something broken she needs you to see,
love her gritty
love her glorious,
Love her relentlessly.

Love him, Rose, like you are loved.
Love him gritty
love him glorious
love him patiently...
because patience will be necessary.
Love him when just can't think of anything to say
and love him the other 99% of the time.
Love him in the sunsets
and in the pouring rain,
love him in the long walks
and in the snatched five-minute breaks,
Love him when he's stupid
and love him when he's stressed,
love him when they won't let him on news 24 anymore
because his hairline's more than a little past its best.
Love him when you feel you're getting bored of him
Love him when you feel you've been ignored again
because this is what grace does.
And then tell him to sit down and listen up
because this is what grace does too.

Love her when she's scared,

Love him when he's lonely, even though you're there,

Love her in the morning, before she is awake enough to love you back,

Love each other, for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
love when it hurts,
love until there's nothing left but trust
and ‘til you barely need a word for 'me'
because its always, always about 'us'.

Love each other like you are already loved -
with the love you had before you even met each other
that was already more than enough

Love her brother like the eternal lover,
who turned earth and heaven upside down
to come and find us now and forever;
who sat on hills and fields and fishing boats
and told us stories there in hopes
that we would not forget him.
Love her like the one who will not forget us.
Love her like the one who came fighting for his bride
and bled the water into blood-red wine for his own wedding feast,
Love her like the one that asked us, "Will you marry me?"
arms wide head bowed exposed for all the world to see,
Love her like the one who let them nail "I do" into his hands,
who slept his wedding night in the lonely quiet of the tomb;
love her like the True Bridegroom.
Love her like the one who rose,
to call our names
and whisper to us "Do not be afraid"
Love her like the one who'll never leave
never show up late
never abandon
never forsake
Love her like the one who knows your heart your thoughts your grimiest flaws
who’s there beside you every single day
and sees each time you throw his life away
in a careless word or a bitter laugh,
but who kneels down in front of you
morning after morning
and washes your feet in his hands
to make you clean.
Love her like him, brother
love her like him.

Love him, Rose, like him;
like the one who loves you when you're scared,
who loves you when you're lonely, even though he's there,
love him like the one who loved you every morning
before you ever thought to love him back,
Love him, Rose, like him.
For better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
Love him when it hurts,
Love him like the one who loves
until there's nothing left but trust,
Who barely needs a word for me
because his every breath he breathes for us.

So do not love each other with just this love –
love with his love,
because you will need it.
Because his love
is patient
and it is kind
It does not envy
it does not boast
it isn’t proud
it is not easily angered
and it keeps no record of wrongs;
It always protects
always trusts
always hopes
always perseveres
and it never fails.

So brother don't you dare love her as much as she deserves,
love her so much more.
Because you are only jars of clay
and you will crack and shatter every single day
but his grace makes mosaics.

Love each other till you see his face.
Love each other so the world can see right through
the brokenness of the two of you
to the glimmering of his grace.